September

Fuzzything

September is gone and I gratefully welcome the shift into Autumn. October is such a beautiful month, rippled with saturations of orange, red, yellow and brown. These are the colors I adore, the colors of earth, wood, and leaf, the colors that support the last days of brilliant cycles that serve to only begin new ones. Nature never goes quietly, does it? Not to those who pay attention…

Life in the day to day has been stressful. Adjusting to new schedules, splitting myself between to two schools, and giving myself wholly to the Volunteer mom credo, which is “offer time, give time, spend time, repeat”, has left few moments to write or create as I once did when the children were younger. And the longer I am out there offering support, the more I see how much it’s desperately needed. Our community, our families, and our schools most certainly need it. The longer I am out there, the more I yearn for that village which relies upon each of its members to see a bigger picture. We are not the lone drivers of our lives, we do need each other more than ever and I see that now. We are not one family, we are one family in a collective and I am grateful to those I’ve met who see it the same way. I would not survive this school year were it not for those who see this same way.

My husband and I learned something in late August, something that has me thinking differently about the assumed futures we (sub)consciously impose upon ourselves and our children. My little Bee has been tested to have a learning disability. And while I can be grateful that she has just as many, if not more, powerful strengths than weaknesses, I can only blame human nature for wanting to mete out those blackened seeds with my imaginary Mom powers. Life is difficult enough without the bruises we carry and the heartbreaks that wait, and I wish with all my earthly might I could save her from all the pain that has yet to unfold. My heart breaks, dammit, it breaks.

There is little room for pity, no time for sadness, and the future for this child remains clear, bright and undiscovered as it always has been. Meanwhile I will work hard for her as I always have to help her find her path, her hope, and her destiny as it simply waits for us to catch up. And she will tell me stories of the dragon and the fox, the fairies and the woods, and I will know that somehow these creatures and her brilliant imagination will help her find her way, I just know it will.

adirondackfairyhouse

I am happy to see you go September. Take with you the restless heart and the fearful mind. Take with you the bitter bites of sadness and perimenopause! Leave the joy received from giving, from sharing, from friendships and family, and let it feed the warming embers that begin October. I am ready. We are all ready…

much love to you
xoxo

adirondackwoods1

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MJ View All →

Passionate mama of 2 and a wife. I write, dance, and create whenever I can.

14 Comments Leave a comment

  1. i can tell you that the bee’s challenges will be the making of her most fearsome strengths, (especially with you as her cheerleader), and i believe that, totally. but as a mama, i also know that you just want it all perfect and right and easy for them. we are protectors, we can’t help but want them safe from any harm. trust that you’ve brought up a strong girl.

    community, tribe – a lifelong elusive idyll for me 😉 the Steiner school community was very dependent, and there was a huge time commitment to it, and i did enjoy the sense of closeness the volunteering could bring.
    but the most comfortable tribes i’ve found are the fellow misfits. the home educators, the earth-centred spiritual types, the hippies and bohos. so, often, it is a community that remains loose and free. we support and yet don’t rely on each other. so i get the sense of happiness and relief finding others who feel the same way, albeit from a different perspective. 🙂

    (can we log in with anything other than wp, twitter or fb?)

    • Hey Mon :-), thanks for your words, wise and insightful as they always are. I think it’s a true milestone, as individual as we are, when we find the kind of community that works for our needs, no matter how committed or occasional that may be. I also know that as we change and as our lives change, as our children grow, those needs will also change, and perhaps that is what makes it so elusive. It has always been that way for me until now, and it is a welcome change :-).

      Regarding the logging on to comment, I tried leaving one for myself using incognito mode and it worked perfectly fine, but I had to use a separate email address from the one that I use my WP account with. I think when WP recognizes your email address, it automatically wants to log you on. I also noticed that while I am writing a comment, I am given the option below to log out of WP and just leave an email address, name and website, have you tried that? Okay hope that helps!

      xoxoxo

  2. So happy to read your words and see through your lens again. I am sorry to hear about your girl, but I can imagine that she is just like her mom – strong and empowered. She will find her way through the labels and come out even stronger. I, too, am glad that September is gone. October is refreshing and brighter. xoxo

  3. Hi MJ,
    It’s been a long time, and I just popped in and this was the first post I read. I can only echo what others have said — I believe the love and the pure seeing you have of your children are great gifts that will serve you all well. I am sending you some support and mama-love, holding your heart gently. I know it hurts sometimes.

    Love,
    Stacy

  4. Lovely images MJ, and beautiful words. Your little one now has a challenge ahead, but she knows you are a strong foundation on which she can return time after time for support.

    Happy to hear you have found some joy during this time as well. Something we must always try to do.

    Have a lovely day.

  5. beautiful words and images. I’m sorry to hear of your bad news, but who knows what it is good for (easier said than lived, I’m sure). only challenges and heartache make us grow in life. and only challenges and heartaches make us truly able to relate to others… something we should do more often. lots of love xoxo

    • Thanks Petra. Challenges help us find ourselves, and each other, this is so very true. I hope my daughter will eventually find inspiration from her difficulties, and rise above them.
      xoxo

  6. Much love to you MJ. My sweet Emerson has struggled in certain areas, the school trying to label her, put her in what they believe it the correct peg, and last year was hard, for her, for all of us. This year things are going much better. I know your sweet girl will find her path and her world will be bright, how can it not with you as her mama 🙂

  7. Beautiful post, so nicely written. You are really a strong support for your children, they are happy to have a mother with such a way to find beauty everywhere. Thanks.

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